When thinking about all of the potential suitors that have come in and out of my life over the years I always have to sit back and laugh about the things that have been said to me by these lads. Whether it’s via text, email, picture or up close and personal they don’t always have the best way with words. The red flags fly high a lot of the time just from a simple message. I dedicate this piece to you fellas, to the poets, to the modern day Casanova’s.

We can start off with a recent endeavor called Rick. Rick and I met through mutual friends so to speak. He worked for one of my favorite NYC restaurants. You know the saying don’t sh^t where you eat right? Well this fell right into that place.

I was hanging out at the bar at this restaurant after a long lunch with friends and having a fantastic time. Everyone at this place is just lovely. The servers, the bar tenders and the hosts and managers alike. It almost feels like another little family to me. During the conversation that I was having with friends at the bar Rick joined in, through giving us some information about some new things that the restaurant was going to be doing and was quite charming. The conversation went on for a bit and then I realized that I had to leave the group to meet a Tinder date. Remember the one that left when I had hit traffic? Yeah that one. When he realized that I was leaving he offered to walk me out and when he did he asked me where I was off too. I told him about the date and he then tried to convince me to stay and that those silly app dates were no good. We laughed about it and exchanged contact information. As he put me in a cab he said that he would txt me in about 40 minutes to save me from this horrible date, as he knew I was going to be disappointed. I laughed and told him it was a plan. Funny thing is then that dipsh^t took off and the date never happened. The txt comes in from Rick and we are laughing about it. He tells me I told you so and then proceeds to as me for a date. We plan to meet that following week for dinner. Now I had a feeling that Rick most likely was a bit younger than me so I was a touch hesitant because when I have over looked that in the past I have regretted it, but again I said of let’s just see what this guy is about. We are having a lovely time. Turns out we have a lot in common and very similar backgrounds. We were at a communal table at the restaurant we were in so there was another couple sitting on the corner next to us. They start to strike up a conversation with us, which was very nice. At one point the man in this couple asked Rick how old he was. Rick answered and my heart went into my stomach a little. Ugh here we go again. I am approached by younger men quite often for whatever reason, and at that moment I was kind of annoyed that it had happened yet once again. We were having a great time so I figured don’t ruin the night, maybe he’s mature for his age. As soon as the couple we were chatting with leaves I tell Rick that I’m 10 years older then him. He is surprised and tells me that, that doesn’t bother him and that he hopes I’m ok with it. I tell him I was a little hesitant but that he seemed to set himself apart from others his age. We end our night and make plans to get together again soon. He has the restaurant manager schedule so I knew that might be a challenge. We get together one night after he got off of work, which was on the later side around 11pm. I was out with friends for dinner and he met me where we were. He hung out there for a little it and then went to another bar for cocktails. We are having another great time together. We literally close the bar down that night. At one point he started to ask about my past relationships and dating experiences in which I answered very lightly. I felt that maybe it wasn’t the best time to start that conversation at 3am after 4 drinks. He started to say that he asked me that question because he’s complicated to date. What the hell is that supposed to mean? And why are you bringing this up now? It’s the second time I’m seeing you. I give him a confused look and as what he means and he then says never mind I don’t know why I said that. Just forget it. Uh….ok I’ll forget it. We call it a night and make plans to get together in a couple of days. He’s in touch with me daily in the time between and everything seems to be going nicely. We meet for a drink on a night that he had off. We again are having a really nice time until he out of nowhere says to me –“I’m bad news.”

Danielle: What do you mean you’re bad news?

Rick: I’m not easy to date. I have a horrible schedule and very little free time.

Danielle: I’m perfectly aware of what you do and the schedule that comes with it. I’m still here.

Rick: Well I’m afraid to take this any further and it not work out because of it. I’m complicated to date and you come to my restaurant a lot and I wouldn’t ever want you to be mad at me if this didn’t work out.

Danielle: Rick I just wanted to come meet you for a drink. Why are we talking about this? We are still getting to know each other. There’s no need to get ahead of yourself here. If things don’t work out I could only hope that you would be an adult about it as I would where the restaurant is concerned.

Rick: I know, you’re right. I’m sorry I don’t know why I brought it up. I just don’t want to get more into it and it not work out.

Danielle: That’s life Rick, sometimes things don’t work out but if you nip them in the bud before you’ve given them a chance you never know.

Rick: Ugh, I’m so sorry can we forget I brought it up?

Danielle: Unfortunately no. When someone tells me that they are bad news that’s a red flag. I don’t need this, this soon, I just wanted to meet you for a drink and spend time with you. Now I just want to go home.

Rick: Danielle please I’m sorry I didn’t want this to happen.

Danielle: Well it did. I’m gonna go.

I walk out and he walks with me. I hail a cab and he tells me one more time that this wasn’t what he wanted to happen. I just looked at him, kinda shrugged and took off. He text me again while I was in the car, “I really didn’t want that to happen”, I text back “well unfortunately it did”. I never heard from him again. Seriously gotta stay away from the young’uns. They have heads way too big for their bodies. Talk about having a way with words. Get over yourself buddy.

It’s also easy to get caught up in words. I can’t tell you the amount of times that I’m texting with someone (cuz everybody just loves to txt) after just connecting with them and they are ready to fly you to DR for a romantic weekend, and shower you with compliments. It’s lovely at the time and you want to believe it but you know you can’t. You kind of have to be like -slow down dear you know you don’t mean these things -so please don’t say them. I started talking to this guy Adam. We connected on Happn. From his profile he seems like a good catch. Handsome, good job, nice hobbies, lives in the five boroughs, lol. We have a good back and forth going and we get to the point where we talk about meeting. He then tells me that he’s going to be travelling for the next couple of weeks so it will have to be when he gets back. Uh ok, I don’t really understand why he would start a conversation and go on and on about how happy he is that we connected when he wouldn’t be able to meet for another two weeks! Out of sight/txt out of mind. That’s just the way the dating world works. I mention to him that it’s too bad he will be gone and I guess we’ll have to make plans when he gets back. He then tells me he’ll stay in touch and send me pictures of his trip…blah bah blah. Have I gotten one message since he left? Of course not! Just don’t feed us with bullshit. We’ll have more respect for you I promise. Next!

Then I went on a date with this guy James. He and I had connected on a dating website about a year ago. Spoke via email a little and he never asked me out. Lost touch with him on that site and then we connected again on two other dating apps. At that point it had become comical. We matched on both Tinder and Happn. If your both clicking yes or swiping to the right you would think that there’s some kind of common interest in meeting in person right? Well with this one I decided to mess with him about it bit. When we matched on Happn, I sent him a note that said. “well look at that, we match again and still no date, lol”. Always have to put the lol in there for these guys and their sensitive heads. He replied “lol! I know right? Lets def make it happen this time”. Unbelievable. He sends me a txt off of the app and we go back and forth very little. Still no mention of a date. He txts me randomly for over two weeks until one time I simply just don’t txt him back. Another week goes by and then a txt from him pops up that says “so when are you available to get together?” Wow! He grew a set and finally asked me out, who knew it was possible! We meet for a drink and when he shows up I’m surprised that he actually looked like his pictures and was very cute. I figured from all of the stalling in finally getting together that he was going to show up and I wouldn’t recognize him. We had good conversation and seemed to be on the same page in what we were looking for in a relationship and life for that matter. The date ended well and I was off. He txt me the very next morning and started a long txt conversation. He got very detailed in his questions. He wanted to know a lot of very intimate things and when I told him that those were things I thought better to discover about one another in person he said that he likes to know these things in advance so he doesn’t waste time. Really? Do you know how many dumb men have wasted my time? That’s life. It doesn’t come with a questionnaire that you fill out. This guy wanted to know if I’m a cuddler or if I need my space at night when in bed. He also asked other pretty sexual questions that I definitely wasn’t comfortable with. I told him to relax with the questions and he backed off a little and played the- I didn’t think you would be so shy card. Really dude?   I then mentioned getting together again and he wasn’t free for a while so I guess we’ll see if he actually asks for another date. I’ll be sure to keep everyone posted because I have a feeling that one is going to be a good story regardless.

Just this week I was out with one of my closest friends for dinner after work. We went to a place that always has a very vibrant bar scene with lots of “potential bachelors” there. Well on this night besides the majority of them being married, we had a couple of real gems standing next to us at the bar. My friend and I decided to have a little food at the bar. When the bread came out one of the men standing next to us who bore a strong resemblance to Humpty Dumpty, leaned over and said

Random Man: Oh you’re doing it all wrong.

Danielle: I’m sorry what?

Random Man: You shouldn’t eat the garlic bread. You’ve gotta save the carbs for dessert. That bread is so bad for you.

Danielle: Well I would eat this bread over dessert any day. I’m not a big dessert person. (My friend nods her head and agrees).

Random Man: Oh but they have the oreo cannoli here. Those are worth the carbs.

Danielle & Friend: We’re good with what we’ve got thanks. (we turn ourselves away a little as to not be disturbed again)

We had ordered a charcuterie plate as our dinner to share. A large platter comes out with lovely cured meats and cheeses. We are enjoying our food immensely. The other guy of the two then leans over to my friend and says

Random 2: Wow you girls really devoured that meat. Lucky for me I don’t have a slab of prosciutto strapped to my leg.

Friend Sara: Seriously? Danielle: Get lost buddy!

Lucky for us they didn’t eat us for dinner.

Number one didn’t your mommy tell you that it’s rude to comment on other people’s food? Number two definitely time to think of better pick up lines, good luck.

It’s a jungle out there folks, bad news everywhere you turn. Just gotta keep your head up and read those red flags.

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