Ah yes my friends….I disappeared for a little while, I know.  I was whisked away into what I thought may have been a relationship.  Nearly 3 months I dedicated to yet another man that was in no way shape or form ready to be in one.

Met on EHarmony

46 yrs old

Divorced 7 yrs

2 children at the ages of 16 and 13 who sometimes live with him (every other weekend)

If you look at these factors, and what was stated in his profile you would think that this is someone that’s looking and ready for a relationship.

Well…boy oh boy did he fool me!   Things started out very nice between Ralph and I (we’ll call this one Ralph). We met on EHarmony, spoke on the phone after texting and shortly after went on our first date. We had an instant connection and the chemistry was great. He seemed to have his shit together as far as his career and family life, and appeared to be an overall happy and uncomplicated guy. We had a lot of fun together and I think that led to me subconsciously over looking things that I shouldn’t have.

He was cheap

Only wanted to hang out in his apartment

Was obnoxious at times

Selfish

On the rare occasions that we went out to dinner he was always very rude to servers and it was quite mortifying to me. We would go into a restaurant and he would right off the bat say to the server.

“What’s your name? I’m Ralph, this is Danielle and if it’s ok with you we’re going to dine tonight. I have a very specific way that I need things to go. I like to order a bunch of things on the menu for us to share and I need them to come out in the order and at the exact time that I ask for them to come out…..now does this work for you?”.

Pretty embarrassing if you ask me, especially because he always spoke with a very entitled tone. That was definitely something that I overlooked. As the months went by we were spending a lot of time together and it seemed that he was giving almost all of his free time to me, which meant a lot to me. But this was blinding because he never wanted to leave his apartment. He lives in a penthouse apartment with a lovely view that he thought was the best thing since sliced bread. Listen buddy, number one I’ve seen better apartments and number two you live in Manhattan! It just happens to be once of the most amazing cities in the world with a million amazing things to do and all you want to do is sit on your tiny terrace and look at the same freaking view every day and night. And look, I love a nice night at home with a home cooked meal and a good view, but I also love to get out and enjoy the things that this city has to offer.

We also had very separate lives. There was no spending an entire weekend together. We never went for a walk or went to a museum, or even went food shopping together. It was meet me at my place at 7, he’d make dinner there and we’d look at the view and he would run his mouth about how fantastic it was. I would mention that I would like to do those things and it just never happened. I stayed in this predicament because I thought that perhaps he was just taking his time with things because he has children and I needed to adapt to his pace. Definitely not. Long story short it came to one night when he actually took me out. He had a little too much to drink and starting spewing ridiculous things about how being out just doesn’t compare to being in his apartment and his own cooked food blah blah blah. It led to a bit of an argument and I finally started to see him in his true light and this was simply going nowhere. I stopped seeing him. But I’m back, and back on the lovely dating scene of the great Big Apple.
This time I decided to go back on Match.com. I haven’t used match for well over 5 years. I had been on the site not even 24 hours and I already had a psycho cyber stalker that thought he was in love with me.  Boy oh boy did I miss that shit! I’ve also decided to up my age limit now and give in to the fact that there is no point in wasting my time with children anymore.  While young men can be pretty to look at, they rarely have the maturity to back it up.  Age range…….ugh…….pain in my heart……..38-49……..wow, well I did it and wasn’t too bad actually.  The emails are actually being followed up with date proposals within two emails………huh?  Do my eyes deceive me?

Now we get to the good stuff.

Match date #1:

We’ll call him Karl.

44 yrs old

Lives in Williamsburg

Occupation: Finance

Karl and I emailed, then texted, and then spoke within two days of initial contact. We had great conversation and I was really looking forward to meeting him. I was a little taken back by the fact that he txt me one day that he had taken his profile down because he was only interested in me. At first I thought he was joking and trying to be funny, but when I went online to see for myself he had actually done it. At that point I figured meet the guy anyway, you never know.

I was out on a Thursday night catching up with a friend over dinner in the west village and Karl was contacting me the entire time. I figured have him meet me for a drink when I was done with dinner. He agrees to meet me. My friend and I say goodbye and I patiently wait for Karl to show up.

In walks Karl. He wore a white button down shirt and jeans with very strange patch type things all over them, a backpack, and a salmon colored cashmere sweater wrapped around his neck. It’s August mind you. He resembled his pictures a bit but they definitely weren’t what he looked like in the flesh. He sits down after we greet each other and seemed very nervous and a bit flustered.   He’s trying to make conversation by talking about the neighborhood and places that he remembered. At the same time he’s anxiously looking for the waitress to order a drink. He still has the backpack and sweater on. I say to him….

Danielle: (In a jokingly way) Why don’t you make yourself comfortable? Take the backpack and the sweater off….you do know it’s August right?

Karl: This isn’t a backpack.

Danielle: Oh I’m sorry, it isn’t? What is it? (I only could see two leather straps on either side of his chest, so I thought it was a backpack)

Karl: It’s a trendy holster wallet. I don’t like to keep things in my pocket.

(yes, he said trendy holster wallet verbatim)

I don’t know how I didn’t completely loose my shit right at that moment and die laughing but I managed to keep it together.

Danielle: Wow I’ve never seen one of those before.

Karl: Are you making fun of me?

Danielle: No

Karl: You are commenting on my sweater and my holster wallet and you’re making me feel very uncomfortable. I think you’re making fun of me.

Danielle: Karl…I was just being funny. I’m not making fun of you.

Karl: Well I think that you are and I feel very uncomfortable. I’m going to leave.

Danielle: Are you serious?

Karl got up and left!

It was the talk of the small brasserie that I was in for the rest of the night. At least three people that were sitting close by came up to me afterwards and asked what happened and said “what was he wearing?”. Hahahahahahaha! Poor Karl.

So I’m back and badder then ever folks! The drama never ends! More to come I’m sure!

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